Different strokes for different folks

If you had to choose which one of your five senses you could least live without, chances are most of you would pick sight. Or at least, so says this anything-but-scientific survey I ran on Twitter a few years ago. Between sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste, sight appeared to be the sense the majority of us rely upon the most on a daily basis.

When people think about disabilities and especially how they would deal with acquiring one, blindness is the impairment that typically freaks people out the most. As an example, a study published in 2011 by the Environics Research Group showed that seven out of ten Canadians say they fear losing their vision more than losing the use of their legs or hearing. One-third said they would sell everything they owned if that could save their eyesight. And yet, speaking with blind friends, colleagues and acquaintances, the consensus seems to be that it’s not such a big deal. It’s a condition. And as with most conditions, one that people can learn to live with it.

In western cultures, we associate the act of someone looking at us as a validation that we have their full attention while we speak. Indeed, most Westerners consider eye contact an essential component of social interactions, a demonstration of interest and engagement in the conversation. Communicating with someone who doesn’t maintain regular eye contact will make most Westerners feel like they’re not being listened to. Sometimes, it might even make us question whether there’s something off about the people we’re interacting with. That they’re uninterested. Untrustworthy. Submissive. We read a lot into a lack of eye contact, for better or for worse.

In other parts of the world, it is quite different. Eye contact can mean very different things. Let’s look at a few examples.

The importance of eye contact around the world

In the Middle East, for instance, sustained eye contact is less common, and not only is it not at all considered fundamental to social interactions but it might also actually be considered inappropriate in various contexts. As an example, only a brief moment of eye contact might be permitted between a man and a woman, if at all, as sustained eye contact could be easily be misconstrued as a romantic interest. Generally speaking, limited use of eye contact is expected in the Middle East. It doesn’t mean that people are not interested or engaged in the interaction. The cultural behaviours are just different than in the West.

In Asian cultures, where emphasis placed on the hierarchy is huge, steady eye contact will often be interpreted as a sign of disrespect or defiance. This is especially true when the speaker is in a position of authority, such as a subject matter expert, a teacher, or a senior. Lowering one’s eyes or looking away when someone talks to us is more than just commonplace… it is expected in certain social interactions. As we’ve seen with Middle Eastern cultures, unsustained eye contact doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of interest. It might, in fact, mean the exact opposite. It might mean a show of respect to you, and for the knowledge you are currently sharing with the audience.

In African and Latin American cultures, sustained eye contact can be easily be perceived as a sign of defiance toward authority. Oftentimes, the authority of the person who is speaking. Sustained eye contact can just as easily seen as aggressive, confrontational, and disrespectful. That’s a very different perspective than that of a Westerner! People we are interacting with you who come from these cultures may avoid sustained eye contact on purpose. As a show of respect to you. Not because they think your conversation or topic is pointless. But because they wouldn’t want you to get the wrong impression about their behaviour towards you.

Funny how that comes across, don’t you think? Cultures are a very interesting thing.

The Devil is not always in the social media details

Most Westerners feel validated when the people they speak to spontaneously lock eyes with them, even more so if they nod as we speak. It feels as though that person is really paying attention to every single word we say. How often have you been criticized for not making enough eye contact with the person who was talking to you? I know I have.

As speakers, when delivering a talk, we tend to feel that those who have their eyes locked on us are the ones who are most engaged. But as cultural differences show, that’s not always the case. The ones who listen to us the most, who hang on to our every word, are not necessarily those who follow our every move on the stage. This impression is so pervasive that most speakers tend to only make eye contact with those in the audience who have their eyes locked on them. This may very well cause others who don’t put as much importance in sustained eye contact to feel left out.

Inclusive speakers understand how important it is to establish eye contact with more than just a few nodding faces. They make it a goal to connect with as many people as possible.

We now live in a world where it’s considered less and less rude to spend lots of time looking at our tablets or phones. Ask your next-door Millennial or Gen-Z if you don’t believe me. It can be pretty disconcerting for a speaker to notice that part of their audience is not giving them their undivided attention. Most speakers don’t think twice about audience members scribbling down notes with pen and paper.

Yet, those same speakers get offended when audience members are using their mobile devices, assuming the worst… As if one couldn’t be taking notes on their tablets or smartphones! As if electronic tools were only used to escape the boredom of a conference room by going to Facebook, WhatsApp, TikTok, Twitter, or Instagram.

When eyes roam from the stage to mobile devices, it’s easy to start doubting yourself and wonder if your delivery is engaging. Question whether your content is relevant when you no longer appear to be the center of attention. It doesn’t take much for speakers to go down a downward spiral of self-consciousness. One that can easily lead straight to feeling like an imposter who doesn’t belong on that stage. Those who read too much into the amount of eye contact they get from an audience can set themselves for failure.

“Is this guy listening to me, or is he going through his Facebook timeline? Why isn’t she looking at me? Is my content boring? What of I’m the one who’s boring? Is my content too obvious? Too predictable? Is it relevant? Maybe I’m irrelevant! Oh my god, I’m such a fraud. I don’t belong here!”.

You know. You’ve been there, too.

As if the act of listening to what someone has to say only had to do with watching what’s currently happening in front of you. As if the only way to listen to someone speaking was to look at them attentively. When did we lose sight that the act of listening actually had to do with our ears as well?

But here’s the thing: maybe that guy is on Twitter because he’s actively tweeting about how amazing your content is. Or maybe that girl really is bored out of her mind because you haven’t been able to hook her into your story. In scenario number one, you’re doing an awesome job, and he’s letting the whole world know. In scenario number two, you’ve already let her down, by not appealing to her enough in the first place.

Chances are, in most cases, the reason why they are looking at their phones so much is not because of them. It’s because of you. Think about that for a second. Provocative, I know. But we all need to be reminded of this every now and then.