Eye contact and the “me-me-me syndrome”

As I covered in a previous post, we put a great deal of emphasis on eye contact in the Western world. But not everyone in the audience will feel the need to maintain eye contact with you for extended periods of time, nor will they even think of that as a sign of respect, interest, or engagement. Not everyone fits the exact same mold. Diversity is a good thing! Enough with the “me-me-me syndrome”.

Not being willing or even inclined to maintain eye contact doesn’t necessarily mean that someone has no interest in us, or the topic at hand either. Especially these days, in this recent era of hyper-solicitation and short attention spans, where everyone who uses a mobile device probably sits somewhere on a spectrum of temporary attention deficit disorder. It only means that people are different, and are learning to focus or divide their attention in different ways.

Technology is having a profound effect on how we interact with others, and it’s no different for audience members who show up to listen to us in a conference room, or a virtual environment. But then, beyond the unquestionable impact of technology, we as inclusive speakers also need to recognize cultures and neurodiversity, and how those factors will affect a person’s behaviour when it comes to how they deal with the very act of maintaining extended eye contact with the people they interact with.

Let’s make this about me for a minute

Speaking of me, me, me… Take me, as an example. I’m an absolute, hopeless introvert, and an auditory learner. Sustained eye contact for long periods of time will make me feel uncomfortable, as does small talk. Having to maintain such a connection for a long period of time is both physically and emotionally tiring. As such, social interactions can be very draining. It will always depend on who it is I’m interacting with, but regardless of who that is, what might feel energizing for some will oftentimes leave me quite depleted.

In my own delivery as a speaking professional, the same kind of considerations occur. I expect to be the center of attention of course, but I will also tend to divert people’s attention towards my visual supports and other aspects, so the attention is directed at my ideas much more than it is directed at me. I’ll sometimes use props. I’ll often shift gears, to keep some of the attention off me, and back on the audience. I typically don’t view myself as the center of attention, but rather, as the vehicle through which ideas can reach the hearts and minds of those who come to listen to me speak.

It works both ways. I don’t get offended when I don’t have someone’s undivided attention, either! I’m very comfortable with my interlocutor’s gaze sweeping the room when I engage them in a conversation. As a result, I don’t tend to lock eyes with people as much as I communicate. My eyes will often wander from a person’s face to our surroundings, and back to the person’s eyes, nose, and mouth in a constant, unconscious cycle. This constant shift helps me think clearly. It helps me focus. It clears my buffer, in a way.

I don’t systematically equate undivided attention with locking eyes with someone.

Neither should you.

Different channels, same outcome

I tend to pay much more attention to words and content than I do to presentations. Registering what I hear is easier if I close my eyes. This is something I find myself doing a lot when I’m involved in client calls and such (and my camera’s turned off of course because that would be weird). I’m much more likely than others to notice a person’s mannerisms, the way they use their hands when speaking, their body language, etc. All the while, still paying attention to what the person is saying. Locking eyes with someone often feels like drinking from the firehose. My point is that we’re all different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all theory on how to communicate, either.

On the other hand, my significant other is a bit of an extrovert, who carries a lot of traits that are typically found in visual learners. She enjoys activities having to do with visual arts and design. She has a highly developed artistic side and tends to take lots of notes when attending seminars. She notices details. She often forgets verbal directions, so feels the need to write things down. She often asks for questions or instructions to be repeated. She tends to follow other people’s lead when given directions. She prefers to show something rather than simply explain it. And she definitely dislikes speaking in front of groups of adults, which is another common trait found in a lot of visual learners. We’re very different in all of those things.

This is not to say that all types of learners automatically share all of the same traits. As mentioned earlier, we all sit somewhere on a spectrum when it comes to what defines us as learners and communicators. Characteristics of learner types do tend to overlap a bit, and it’s not uncommon for people to fit somewhere in the middle.

Recognizing that people approach conversations in different ways is important. It allows us as professional speakers to actively get out of our own way, our own little comfort zone. It allows us to strategically plan for various types of delivery interactions. It makes it more likely for us to appeal to different types of learners in the process.

Everyone understands, processes, and retains information in different ways. What works well for some audience members may not yield the same results for others. Some people will do much better at receiving your message by visualizing it and then, reading about it. Others will prefer to hear that same information. Others will only get engaged if there is some level of hands-on involvement. Different channels, same outcome. That’s why it’s so crucial to communicate using various strategies to reach our audience.

If you only rely on one approach, those whose main learning style is different may not be able to relate, or tune into your message at all. Or if they do, they may not be able to engage as much as they could have otherwise. Using a combination of strategies to cater to various learning styles will reinforce your message. But there’s an added bonus. Research shows that people exposed to information multiple times and in multiple ways have a higher likelihood of retaining the information, too.

So, if you’re one of those speakers who tend to dread the fact that some of our audience members may not follow your every move, or be dividing their attention between you and their mobile devices, don’t. It may just be that you’re dealing with someone who is not a visual learner. For all you know, they may be busy telling the world how awesome of a speaker you are on social media.